The Final Smut, Vol. III

NOTE: This was created in Jan. 1991 as a part of a fictitious front page of the base newspaper at Osan Air Base, Korea. It was a tradition (for some of us) to receive a mock front page as a departing gift when PCS’ing to another base. This particular front page was a true classic. “News at a Glance” bullets included “East heads up new IRA,” “Sex Pistols Rock with East,” and “Death Teams with Rockers,” a reference to one of my Osan Wrestling Federation personas and an old WWF tag team pair. This mock front page was created for my PCS from Osan to RAF Alconbury. The truth of the matter is that each and every word of these articles is bursting with inside jokes and events, some long forgotten…..and I do mean every word. Some of this content will be obvious to those who served in Korea, while others will be left scratching their heads. But those who knew me best will probably just laugh. Hard to believe I even made it out of that place alive……

 

East given okay for European tour

Sgt. Jeff “Father” Mulcahy

51st TFW/PA

With the resignation of the “Iron Lady” Margaret Thatcher, former British Prime Minister, Sgt. Raymond East has agreed with the Air Force to proceed to the British Isles and his new home, RAF Alconbury. It is rumored that Sergeant East is sympathetic towards and has ties with the Irish Republic Army.

However, with the current upheaval in world affairs, this new assignment may take him into the hot, flea infested, sea of sand, land of sheiks, and covered women, Saudi Arabia. “No problem,” said Sergeant East. “All I need is a bottle of Jinro and some Sex Pistols or U2 or Public Enemy and I’m good to go.”

Unimpressed by visits from heads of state to the Desert Shield troops currently sweltering in the Middle East, Sergeant East admits he’d rather be lost in the shuffle and forgotten in Korea as were the rest of the troops stationed there during the holiday season.

Sergeant East made his mark on the Korean scene gaining international acclaim by consuming mass quantities of Soju and Kimchi in equal proportions.

Critiques say he almost made it through an entire one-year tour without buying a “juicy.” However, he fell just weeks prior to his departure, when his “lush” partner Danny Clark opted for Christmas in the Big Apple.

Admittedly, the highlight of his stay in Korea came just two weeks before departure as he strapped on the pilot’s wings and flew one for enlisted folks Air Force wide!

Sergeant East got his start in the Air Force as a “wanna be” Hoosier giving tours on the runways of SAC at Grissom AFB, IN.

He was then assigned to the 51st Tactical Fighter Wing, Osan Air Base, Korea, where he served as staff writer on the award-winning Mig Alley Flyer newspaper. In this capacity, he gained fame and notoriety as an opinionated writer on controversial issues such as the wear of earrings by male military members and gays in the military.

“I never could understand him,” said TSgt. Freddie L. Hagans, Sergeant East’s supervisor. “Then again, he could never understand me.”

When last seen, the sergeant appeared in an inebriated state screaming “Puck You” as he was escorted to the Freedom Bird by an SP, an OSI agent and an unidentified first sergeant.

-30-

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